Back to square one

When do you admit that you’ve made a mistake? I’m travelling very comfortably on this journey of mine. I’ve recently relocated to a new country, managed the logistics of an international move, settled into a new home, applied for jobs, gone through rounds of interviews, accepted a job offer, bought a car, gone through an extensive induction programme at my new employer’s, worked with a bunch of supportive colleagues, met some interesting customers. A salary is hitting my account every month. This is it. There’s plans to be made, strategies to be devised, relationships to be created, pain points to be understood, virtual teams to be operated, proposals to be drafted and naturally sales to be closed. I am busy. Day in, day out.

Everything is well. I like the company. I love the culture and truly relate to the values the organisation represents. And for once, the values are not just empty words on a corporate website. They actually define the standard behaviour and actions in our day-to-day office life. Like the core value of treating colleagues like friends and family. What a joy it is to experience that every single day. I’m a lucky one. It’s definitely a privilege to have a good job in this economic climate.

Yet something’s wrong. A nagging feeling has appeared at the back of my head. Even if I’m happy and excited to be driving to the office on the wrong side of the road every morning, I have to reluctantly admit to myself that this role may not be ideal for me. Please, please, don’t let this be a mistake.

I’ve always worked hard. Occasionally too hard. I pride myself in doing a good job. In fact, it was just a few years ago that I realised that my existence and self-worth, at work and outside work, are not related to my achievements. Since then, I’ve been a bit more compassionate to myself. Now I suddenly feel like I have to prove my value to the company every month. It’s like my worth starts at zero at the beginning of the month and at the end of the month, my significance can be presented as a percentage of my monthly quota. I never thought the change from the quarterly and annual targets that I am used to would feel so harsh. Maybe I’m just being stupid and naive?

The industry. I’ve worked in IT for years. It’s interesting for sure. There’s constant change. Today I talk relatively fluently about on-demand scaling, speed to provision, commodity hardware, opex vs capex, pay-as-you-go computing. It’s all exciting and pretty fascinating. But I was wrong, it does not rock my world. It’s not my passion.

So, I must be barking mad, but I’ve given my notice. Going with the flow and it’s back to the drawing board. Wish me luck!



10 thoughts on “Back to square one

  1. När jag läste förväntade jag min inte den sista delen… Wow!
    Kanske därför Marcus börjat där nu 😉 skojar
    Lycka till!

  2. Well that is what I call a brave move! I’m actually at a somewhat similar stage with my (work)life. This and your next post about Bikram are like I could have written them myself. (Unfortunately though I’m not as good with words as you are :))

    All the best for you and hope to see you someday. In other words, let me know when you’re in Helsinki.


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